The Crumbling

I have many faults, or rather I should say there are areas in my life which could do with improving. As I continue my work to correct my flow of energy, I see that certain unwanted traits are diminishing. I’m saying this because as you read this blog post it would be easy to say that this crumbling or undoing was my fault. I could have done more, I could have fought harder, I could have not fucked up that important relationship to begin with. And it would be difficult to argue that. The only thing I could say is that would be the voice of the monster, easily identifiable because it is judgemental. I have got out of the habit of making judgements these days, and with good reason.

Believe me when I say that the self judgments were rampant and unstoppable during the time when I really crumbled.

I found myself in British Columbia after finishing “The spiritual picnic” in India. My life savings were still tied up in the business that I helped to run in Ontario, and there was little left in the kitty. I had family in BC and supposed that I would build a life there.

I think I lasted no more than 4 months. One day I had borrowed a bicycle to go to a job interview and on the way back home I had to stop, I was having a panic attack. This had never happened to me before and as I recall it was a very unnerving event. I literally couldn’t catch my breath for a few moments, my chest hurt and I felt like I was going to puke.

I think this was the moment amidst all moments in the last few years where I realised that something was very wrong. Looking back at it now I would say that it was a strong physical reaction to all the emotional pain that I was feeling that had very much remained unexpressed.

I don’t recall exactly what I felt about it at the time, I just soldiered on as was my nature.

I had a couple of jobs there, I washed dishes at a bar, I laboured on building sites, I was even a professional baker for a couple of months. Each job brought its own set of experiences, and I tried to throw myself into each one.

The bar/restaurant job was my first in BC. I’ve always been attracted to hospitality. I believe that the ‘bus boy’ position is probably least glamorous of all the hospitality sector has to offer. I took out my hate, rage and desperation on the dishes and pans, I figured may as well be good at my fairly awful job. There’s not much mercy in hospitality, everyone's got a job to do and is busy. I just looked forward to a couple of beers at the end of the night.

I was renting the downstairs portion of a house that belonged to my cousin during this time. The family above me often fought, had two small kids and a penchant for turning their TV up loud. I barely even moved in. I slept on an air mattress, no furniture, just a small table with my array of crystals that I meditated in front of daily. Life didn't seem to be giving me any breaks just yet.

I’ve always been interested in how things are built, including houses. So when I heard of a guy at the pub that a local builders was hiring, I went for the job. I became employed as a builders labourer. It was a tough job with low wages. The guys I worked with were alright but as I look back I remember that no one wanted to get to know me, maybe it was because I was a foreigner or what’s more likely it was the deeply troubled energy I must have had at the time. People can pick this up and it must have been coming off me in waves.

I lasted for a short while as the labourer and moved into my job as a baker. I felt this could be more of a career move and I was actually quite excited to get the job. The hours were quite hideous, a 5am start until mid day. Again, with a little bit of hope in my heart, and a great love of baking, I threw myself in. I had high hopes, but work here was more like being on a production line. Same loaves and recipes pretty much every day. I did learn some great skills there which I still call on from time to time, and I really enjoyed making croissants! The grind and monotony and the early mornings started to get to me. In retrospect I’d say that at this stage of my life, I would have found it difficult to maintain even a dream job. The emotional pressure inside was blowing gauges!! It didn’t help that a younger lady that I worked with seemed to be quite unpleasant towards me at any given opportunity. I was in an emotional state where I was taking everything very personally (a sure sign one is in monster mode), and any offhand comment from this young woman would send me walking off to the walk in refrigerator to weep pitifully over the state of my life. I was careful not to let anyone see me wounded. I believe only one person at the bakery noticed, she touched my shoulder one day and said sincerely, “You’re doing alright y’know!”. Almost sent me straight back to that walk-in!!

Throughout all of these jobs I had a few coping mechanisms. My crystal meditations were important to me, I even had an amethyst pendulum which I asked questions to. One day it would spin for yes, the next it would spin for no… to the same question!! I talked to my cousins about my problems, but talking alone never seemed to help for longer than the length of the conversation. I stayed in touch with a few friends I had made in India, one in particular actually lived close by. I found my visits with her were really important to me. I did continue my yoga practice, and even did so regularly with one of my cousins friends. I was attracted to her, but in my hyper emotional state I saw that any attempt at a relationship would be born of need and desperation and would likely have been a disaster.

My other main coping mechanism was alcohol, yep, good old booze. I have a lot to say about alcohol. It’ll be another one or two blog posts, but yeah, I drank back then. Alone. To numb the pain, panic and desperation I was feeling.

My mind was a mess, I was a functioning alcoholic, nothing seemed to be working or opening up for me. This was probably the height of my undoing, the pinnacle of my breaking apart, the crumbling. Totally occulted from me at the time, it was also the beginning of things, the beginning of the death of my ego, the beginning of moving from subjective to objective, the beginning of the birth of a new person, walking step by step out of the darkness and into the light, the beginning of real healing.