I want to write this post to follow on from “Spiritual Awakening”. It is the observation that when we go through some of the toughest times in our life, and especially on the spiritual side of things. We often feel like we are on our own.
As I wrote about in “The Crumbling”, I fell apart totally when I was in BC, Canada. I admit, I did have a handful of friends and family to talk to, however I still felt alienated to a certain degree. I can’t be sure what my energetic state was at the time or how busy my monster was. I would say that energetically I was in quite an unbalanced state and that my monster was absolutely fighting for some sort of foot-hold. When the monster loses control it can get really ugly. I would say mine heaped on the worst it could throw at me. As you may have read, I had broken up with what I believe was a soul-connection, I didn’t want to admit failure and return to England, I was low on money and trying to prove (to my monster probably) that I could make it on my own.
The current monologue of the monster was thus: “You’re useless (judgement), you’ve got problems and you’re an alcoholic (judgement and labelling), things just don’t work out for you and they never will (judgement AND prediction), no one cares about you (judgement), you’ll never find love again (prediction).
I used the parenthesis to highlight how the monster operates. The work I have started with my teacher has shown me this and how we should just ignore the monster chat, however I didn’t know it wasn’t me back then so I took it all on board and god, how miserable did that all make me. I’m actually glad I let go of control (also the monster) and went back to England. If I hadn’t I don’t know what would have become of me, but I tell you, suicidal thoughts were never too far from me during that time of my life.
After returning to England, I was fortunate enough to re-encounter another spiritual connection. We had met almost a decade ago when I worked at sea. It is a story for another time but I had very much felt her energy for a few days while I was travelling in India. So much so in fact that I believed she was in the same town and fully expected to see her around the next corner. This was also an interesting experience in terms of feeling the energy of others. I’m certain that we all have this ability to tune-in to others, maybe the soul connection thing makes it easier or spontaneous. Either way, as mad as I was with the universe, this I believe was it’s way of shining me a beacon of light and leading me to my next step on my journey.
She had gone through her own spiritual awakening and had thusly started to work with my teacher (also after years of trying all sorts of practices and therapies that simply did nothing to help). She encouraged me to get in touch with this teacher again. I say again because I had done when I was in Ontario, Canada. I (or should I say my monster) found reasons not to work with him. I occasionally wonder what would have happened had I just done the work back then, I guess things just had to get worse, a lot worse!!
I do tend to digress in my posts, for which I apologise. I was talking about being alone. Loneliness can be one of the most difficult feelings for a human being. Especially when there are plenty of people around you and you STILL feel alone, that one sucks!
I would say that a spiritual awakening at this point of human evolution is, by it’s nature, lonely. Most people live totally in their egos/monster mode and so would find it extremely hard to relate to a person in spiritual crisis. It’s not that these people don’t care, there’s probably a few factors as to why people will avoid or not know what to say to someone in crisis.
They haven’t experienced what you are going through.
You just can’t expect someone who hasn’t had that experience to have the faintest idea what you are actually going through. It’d be like asking them to smell the colour thirteen! I believe this affects people in certain ways. They may get scared, like your crisis is infectious and may in some way leak over onto them. They may become insecure within themselves and be angry that they cant help you. These emotions very much stem from the monster being in control and will probably cause them to shut down and avoid talking about your issues in depth. Perhaps some friends may offer you a platitude, or tell you to pull yourself together, perhaps even some advice. At best, maybe you have a really good friend who is capable of just listening, letting you cry and giving you a hug.
They lack the necessary skills to really help
I can’t say what I was like to be around when I was experiencing my spiritual awakening/crisis. Not wonderful company I should imagine. Indeed, anyone in a state of profound suffering can be difficult to be around. As the suffering is so great it can come out in strong waves of emotion whether this be grief or anger. This can be very disconcerting for some. For me, the only one that could really help me, and still does, is my teacher. He is so mind bogglingly objective, he can see when I’m in monster mode and he will absolutely kick my arse if necessary (i.e. all the flipping time!). Most people can not and will not do this for a friend or family member. For a start it’s almost like we care too much about them to be of any real help. I have needed my arse to be kicked so that I stop listening to my monster, but I would find this insanely difficult to do to one of my friends even now that I have become way more objective than ever.
Their Monster won’t let them
Many people unfortunately will make your suffering about them, this is classic monster in action. Those friends or family might give the attitude of simply not caring. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don’t; but I can get a sense of the internal monologue. “Jeez, this guy is such a downer (judgment), he’s gonna spoil my day (prediction), I’m getting bored just listening to this shit!”. It does happen, it sucks when it does, but again, we mustn’t expect more. Unfortunately, If you are going through an awakening or spiritual crisis of some kind, the emotions connected to it are likely to be pretty bleak. So guess what, they are YOUR emotions, congratulations, they are no one else's problem and they are YOURS to work through.
That was pretty rough, I apologise, but I note that when I was going through this, I certainly hoped that someone or something would fix me. It wasn’t until I started working with my teacher that I realised it was on me. He taught me the skills, I had to do the work. Now, three years down the line I realise that I am capable. I slack sometimes and I fall of the wagon, but I get up and get on, It’s a long process. If I can do it, you can and it’s an empowering feeling to see how you can do it yourself without someone else. So maybe going it alone is the ultimate action of the universe saying to you, “Go ahead, you’ve got this, I believe in you!”.
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